I was nearly 35 and after several years of emotional abuse from a previous partner, I had just started a new relationship with an amazing man. My new man was living in England in a shared house and was out of work after recently completing his studies. I was working part-time and also living in shared accommodation in Ireland.

Being a new couple, we got carried away. It was foolish and impulsive but you hear so much about how in your mid-thirties it’s becomes more difficult to conceive. I naively thought that at my age I was practically infertile. Nonetheless, the next day I bought a morning after pill and counted down the days to my period. When it was three days late, I took a pregnancy test.

Discussing Our Options

My partner and I discussed our options. On one hand, we saw the relationship progressing and we wanted a future together; being in our thirties we could probably make it work. On the other, we had one part time paycheck between the two of us and he would need to move to Ireland to start looking for work straight away. We would also need to find a place we could afford that we could raise a child in. In the end, I decided I didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy because I wanted our relationship to progress organically. I had spent so many years feeling miserable and trapped in a bad relationship, I wanted to enjoy getting to know a good man in my own time and building a healthy relationship before becoming parents.

There was a few panicked weeks where I researched my options. Initially, I booked an appointment in a UK clinic for a medical abortion but then I learned by chance that at just 6 weeks gestation, I would likely be sent home without treatment but still have to pay for the appointment. I began looking into how to get the pills online.

The Secrecy

The worst part about the whole thing was the secrecy. I felt like something huge and scary was happening to me and I couldn’t even talk to my closest friends because I wasn’t sure how they would react or if they would judge me. Finding good information was difficult too because I couldn’t be sure if I would be criminalised for seeking the service. The women I ordered the pills from online seemed concerned and sympathetic but they never even signed their name at the end of their emails so it all felt quite anonymous and remote.

Empty Pill Box

Artist: Josh Joyce.

I received the medication as planned and took the pills on my day off at home. I was a little apprehensive about what would happen but, having read a lot of personal stories online, I had absolutely no doubts about my decision.

Being able to go through with it in the comfort and security of my own bedroom was very reassuring. My partner kept me company via Skype as he couldn’t be there with me. I had told one of my housemates and I knew she was there if something went wrong.

When I started to miscarry and knew it had been a success. It was a weight off my shoulders and felt like I was being given my life back. I found it a very uncomfortable situation that something was happening to my life that I didn’t want and had no control over. I was relying on anonymous strangers online to help me which is not the most secure feeling.

My Business Is My Own

I was lucky in the respect that I was a mature adult with no mental or physical problems associated with being pregnant. I was in a supportive relationship. My reasons for terminating my pregnancy may seem flippant, even callous to some people but at the end of the day, why should it be anyone’s business but mine and my partner’s. We made a decision for us that we are completely at peace with.

We are now both working full time and planning our wedding. Maybe we will have kids in the future, maybe not. My abortion was the best decision for me and for us. My only regret is that I didn’t feel I could avail of the emotional support from friends and family that I would have sought out if it had been any other sort of crisis.

This story was submitted anonymously.

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